I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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