WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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