dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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