we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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