she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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