i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
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this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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