Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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