I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
