no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Randomize
