the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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