Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
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