My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
