i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
