If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
