my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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