Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
