He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
