my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
