and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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