dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
