I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
