god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
