Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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