my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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