I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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