im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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