Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
