mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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