It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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