Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
