I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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