Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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