ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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