It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
