the condom got lost in my hair
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
