he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
