I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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