i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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