We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
