I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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