my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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