Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
