Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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