go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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