Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
