The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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