Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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