Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
