matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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