you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
