And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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