One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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