I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
