people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
