just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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