the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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