i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
