this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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