You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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