Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
