I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
