It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
