Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
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Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
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Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting