im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.