Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
